What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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