kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
