This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize