The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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