Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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