i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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