Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
