I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
