i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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