I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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