You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
