I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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