they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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