can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
