You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
