I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
