i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize