Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize