i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Drunk is not a location!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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