I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
