My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
