Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
