Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
