Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
