After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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