omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize