you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
