A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
