This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize