How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
tell me about the eggs
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
