I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
