so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize