I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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