literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
