If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize