it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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