If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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