i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
