I wannas sexs uuuuu
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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