Just fell off a train. Bad.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
