i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
