Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
