So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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