I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
