I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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