you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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