I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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