Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
