every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
