my shit smells like andre
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
PANTIES FOUND
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
