I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
