if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
