tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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