Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
