His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
