your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
