Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
