My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
